Well, 2010 has to be my worst year of my life. I still grieve everyday most of the time in silence in the wee hours of the night. In February I lost a son and a daughter to a cold heated ex husband. Not to say I didn't fight. But he knows more about how to manipulate the system and people. So basically he made me fell like an egg donor. As a husband he was everything but. He never treated me like a wife, I was more or less someone to through stuff at, to be there when he had to much. So why should I be surprised that he would break a promise to me. He even told me recently that the only reason why he is keeping them from me is because he is mad at me. Since I left him I have become a strong person that fights everyday against domestic violence, and he hates it. Well the day before I lost custody of the kids I found out that I was pregnant with multiples. It was a rough pregnancy to say the least. If Mike wasn't there I would not have been able to do it. Then things started to look good for us. The boys came into our world and we were so happy. I had so many plans. Well 2 weeks later the boys were napping and I thought that I would jump into the shower and get ready before I got the boys up and ready for there 2 week dr's appointment. Well Niko was out so I decieded to get Noah ready first. Noah was always hard to wake but easier to get ready to go places, because he would fall right back to sleep. So I started rubbing on Noah's cheeks and I got no response. So I leaned in and kissed his head and still nothing. So I decided to pick him up, the moment I did I felt it. I felt that he was gone. He let out a huge long burp. I quickly called 911 while holding Noah. I was moving around and nothing was coming from him. I called Mike immediately but he didn't answer the phone, so I called back til he did. I told him to get home now Noah wasn't breathing. It seemed like forever for the paramedic's to get here but it was only about 2 minutes. I was a mom in panic, all I wanted was for Noah to start screaming or something. I sat in the front of the ambulance while they worked on Noah in the back. Niko was still upstairs with the police, I heard him cry so I knew that he was okay. Mike pulled in as soon as we were pulling out. Well we made it to the hospital. They worked on Noah for over and hour. When we got there it was kaos. I could have swore that I heard his cry one last time. There wasn't another baby in the hospital at the time and I knew his cry is was different. I watched them from outside the room as they worked on my baby. He was so tiny. I stood there with the officer that was with Niko til Mike showed up. I gave him all my information. I was so tired of everyone asking me for the same information. Name DOB SS which position was Noah in. I had to tell like 15 people he was on his back. They wanted insurance cards and everything under the sun from me. With them asking me all of this I thought okay Noah was just sleeping hard he will be fine anytime we will go into there and will say well you were lucky he is going to pull through. But it didn't happen like that. While waiting a nurse came up to me and told me about how she had twin girls and lost one years ago. This was something I didn't want to hear. I was allowed to go into the room with Noah as the team worked on him. But that was to sad to see. I wanted to see him okay. Shortly after that Mike showed up to the hospital with Niko and told me that crime scene was at our home taking pictures. That he had to leave the keys with the police. Well time went on then Lori, Mike's sister showed up. She was in town visiting friends. Boy did things change then. I didn't feel like I was being accused of anything and it was very odd, because I was so used to being accused of things over the last 10 years. But with Noah being a twin and the boys aunt being a cop it just changed things. We all sat in the room numb. The nurses came and told us that they will watch Niko for a while to keep him calm while we waited. It was only moments later that our little family room was filled with Dr.'s, Nurses, and the few police officers. They came in and the doctor sat on the the couch with Lori, and Mike and I sat together holding hands. We knew it was bad. They told us that they worked on him for over an hour. They got air in his lungs but couldn't restart his heart. That they were so sorry. Then they told us who we needed to get into contact with. Medical Examiner, Funeral Home, and Family. They told us that we could say good bye to Noah and hold him one last time. And we did just that. The 3 of us went in and saw Noah and held him. He was wrapped in warm towels. He had so many tubes coming out of him. It was so hard. I think that I went numb from that moment on. We had a priest in the room with us while we said good bye and he said the oddest thing to us. He said be thankful that they didn't bring him back because he could of had serious brain damage. I was huh. Seriously. When I was pregnant there was a chance that the boys were going to have DS I failed he first test. But we decided that these were our boys no matter what we loved them from the moment we found out that we were pregnant. After that the medical examiner called and talked to all 3 of us. Basically getting a rough idea of what had happened and if there was any need for suspicion. There wasn't. Then we were handed a sorry for your loss card with a lock of Noah hair in it it was signed by the whole team. Then we were told that we needed to wait for the medical examiner to show up. Well Lori said that she would stay so that we could get back home. It was to hard to stay. So we just said our last good byes and headed to the police station to pick up our keys. When we got home our place was a disaster. It was torn up from wall to wall. The dogs had freedom all over the house and marked it up. We got that all cleaned up and people started showing up mainly family. The next morning we went to make the funeral arrangements. We decided on cremation. Mainly because we wanted to take Noah with us were ever we went, and if we move out of the country we would have to comeback to visit him. All I could think about was "Is he going to feel it"... It was still hard for me to realize that he was gone. We decieded to have a veiwing of him in his casket because there was some family that hasn't seen him. This way we could all say good bye. All I could think about is let get it over with I want to see my baby now. It has been a day. I had Mike pick the URN I picked our necklaces. The reason behind that necklaces is so that Mike and I can have a little bit of Noah with us. His big bulk of ashes is going to Niko when he is older to do with what he wishes. Niko was with him the longest we thought that is was only fair. Well we decided to have the funeral on Saturday to cater to everyone's work schedule. Mike's dad's birthday was on Sunday so Saturday seemed like the best choice. Well we all went to lunch at the black eyed pea. I couldn't tell you what I had to eat or anything about the conversations that went on. I remember the car on the way home after we said good-bye. I was sitting there trying to think and realized that saturday was my birthday. I didn't even think of it til that moment. I said it out loud and Mike immediately said we can change I said no. I told him that I would love to see my boy on my birthday. It will be one I don't forget. I couldn't go another week without seeing him without the tubes. Well my mom came into town that night. And it was good to have her here but at the same time it was a moment I didn't need her to be a mom. She did a lot for us with staying with Niko as we took care of funeral stuff. I know that we went to the funeral home almost everyday. We had to sign something or drop something off.
Well that week we down sized our home it was set up for twins and we needed to get it down to one baby. We got rid of the crib and bought a pack and play that same night, we got Niko into the dr.s which they immediately put him on a lung and heart monitor. I guess people didn't know what to do so they ended up just giving us money. We used 90% of in on Niko and 10% on escapes were we would run up to on the border and have quick chat with Pete the bartender. I even went to go see my OBGYN who prescribed some meds for me to get through this and post pardum. We were just so busy running everywhere we never got a chance to just sit and grieve. I think that was a good thing. Mike was back in school. He couldn't miss anymore time. He missed a lot when the twins were born. Well monday came along and I was due in court with finishing up the divorce. All I could think was WTF. My son's funeral was just 2 days ago and he didn't have the decency to tell them not now. I didn't have time to submit the paperwork. He was even invited to come to the funeral. But I found out that his friend Lisa told him not to come. I don't know why she thought that she had any say in it but he listened to her. So our kids didn't get to say good bye to their brother. I wonder who had the kids best interest at heart then defiantly not him. I kept getting told that the kids will never forgive him for this later on. That the resentment will be there and it will be bad. I was even told this by my councilor. I guess he didn't get it that it was a funeral. I invited in for the kids sake not ours. Well I showed up in court on Monday, where I was told that I was just making it up that I said that it was my grandfather that passed away. I was like WTF again. My ex knew it was my son. So I handed the judge my note from the doctor and the tone changed. If the judge didn't except that I was ready with the funeral contract and death certificate in hand. This was something that I couldn't handle at the this time. I don't think that anyone could. So yes I got an extension but it was only for 30 days. So for the next 30 days I hired a lawyer and quit thinking about it. I tried to fit in me time and us time. I thought that now we could finally breath.
Have you ever been so out of it that things that happened yesterday seemed so long ago and things that happened long ago seemed to be yesterday well that is were I was. I couldn't tell you what day of the week it was. I wasn't eating much I really didn't want to. I never found comfort in food. I remember the day of the funeral was Texas OU weekend. I remember OU winning. I remember my mom buying me my first birthday cake since I was 7. But I don't know if I took a bite or not. I remember meeting new people but couldn't tell you a name. I remember all I wanted to do the day of the funeral was crawl into Noah's coffin. I wanted to be there with him I wanted to hold him, but I also had to be strong for Niko. Mike needed me as much as Niko did at this point.
When ever things get me down all I think about is how much better my life is with Mike. How were are getting married in Vegas soon. How much he has taught me and how much we have grown together when I start to get depressed now all I do is think about Vegas. When Mike holds me it some how makes me feel better. Like things make since again. He went through it with me. He went through it with me so we have this unspoken bond.
What is more gut wrenching is my little sister went through it just 11 months before me, she lost her daughter an hour after she was born.
What is with our families I don't know.
November 10, 2010 I got a tattoo. It is my most proud thing I have besides Mike and my kids.
Today I had to bring my mother into things to get her to stop something bad regarding my oldest son. Well recently he had become friends with that Lisa girl and her daughter on facebook. I am afraid that they will come up with a plan to trap my son into marrying her. See Lisa's daughter is about to turn 18 and that means no more child support for Lisa. Lisa don't want to support her daughter past 18, but Lisa put her in that position. I will tell you how everyone else sees it. Lisa didn't want to get up and take her kids to school in the mornings so what she did was withdrew them and told the state that he was homeschooling them sure she bought the books but never checked to see if they were learning. What is messed up is Lisa herself has I believe only an 8th grade education. Well she is defiantly stuck there with social skills. But she claims to be a genius. I am sorry but my son is to good to even be in the presence of these people. They are not good people. It took me a long time to see the flaws because Lisa is a con artist. She played me for years and caused a lot of unnecessary drama in my life. I never meet someone who could lie so much, and in the same breath tell you that they never lie. Geez how many relationships and marriages has she alone destroyed 6 I think. When I met her she had lots of friends but now she has very few. I wonder why. Maybe it's the way she treats people with no respect what so ever, but expects it. I have asked about all the fights that she has been in people just laugh and say that never happened. Honestly I was just going to leave it alone til she went looking for my son. Screw that. My mother hates her and will put a stop to it. She will have the state up in her business so fast. Today my mother has already started that. And if my son ever mentions Lisa or her daughter my over protective, out spoken mother will have something to say. There is no way in hell my son will ever be allowed to date her under any circumstances. My mom will defiantly cut all ties then, something my son will fear.
Well that is my chaotic life. As you can tell I am really a laid back person til my kids are affected. When I don't see that things are improving for them at all the way they should be.
I had better get some rest before Niko wakes up again.
