Getting Close!

Well getting close this is what my mother tells me. My hormones have been all over the map lately. I feel like  a train wreck to say the least. I don't hit post part-em depression I hit pre part-em. My mom tells me that I have experienced it all with each pregnancy that I have had.  And that the babies will come the moment I can relax. It's been a rough year of emotions. I don't like emotions. I liked it better when I just couldn't care. But then again how do you heal. I am letting go of my past and knowing it for what it was. I am looking forward to my future instead. I don't worry about being let down only about letting the good happen. I see a bright future for the kiddo's.

Well if nothing happens before next Wednesday than the boys will be here. Boy does time fly. I just wish that I did feel well enough to work through this pregnancy but there was no way. I was so sick most days.

The only emotion that I have felt being around Mike that isn't positive is guilt. Mainly because I want him to be around me more. Being this big and this pregnant I don't feel like I can protect myself or the babies at all. Stupid in securities I guess. It's not fair to him on a daily bases right now that I worry that he will do the same things that Will had done to me. Not the completely bad things, just the whole. Okay you had my kids now your done be on your way. Then tell me to do everything then what I am doing is not good enough to his standards. I have never been in a 50/50 parenting thing before. This is going to be new and I have to realize that it is okay for me to say I am tired can you do this or that. It's about 180 hours til I know that my boys will be here for sure. For that I am excited. 

I worry though. Baby Noah has a heart murmur and I can see it when I am hooked up to the monitors. How it will be fine then drop every 30 beats or so from 140 to 30 then it will jump to 175 before being at 140 again. That right there is my only real concern. They keep mentioning lung development. That I am not so worried about. These guys lungs will be fine I hope. Lung development starts at 26 weeks and they have been developing for over 10 weeks now. I just can't believe that I am 36 weeks and 4 days already. Wow. 

Well it has been a long day and I am tired so I am going to lay back down and chill out get some more rest.